


Dumb Ways to Die

by grantwardshipsterglasses



Series: Earth's Dumbest Heroes [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Character Deaths, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 16:36:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7322746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grantwardshipsterglasses/pseuds/grantwardshipsterglasses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha Romanoff once said that her lifestyle was 'a good way not to die.' And we all know how cool the Avengers are, right? Well, even they have their dumb moments, which, in their way of life, do not end up well. Written with my brother at 2 AM. No explanation for my early morning humor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dumb Ways to Die

**Author's Note:**

> I have absolutely no explanation for this...
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the Avengers. However, I do know a thing or two about the cloaked figures... :D

Hulk-

Hulk leapt off of the Helicarrier at the plane that was attacking him. Unfortunately, he misjudged the distance and fell. On the way down, he turned back into Bruce Banner. He then died on impact.

Iron Man-

Tony was flying in his Mark VI suit. Unfortunately, it was pretty worn out and shut down.

"Why did I not see this coming?" He asked no one in particular. He then fell and died.

Captain America-

Steve was busy fighting in New York. He threw his S.H.I.E.L.D. (I mean, his shield) at a Chitauri. He was distracted by another one, so he was unable to catch his shield in time.

"Killed by my own weapon."

Green Goblin suddenly appeared next to him. "I know how you feel, man. I know how you feel."

"Wait, aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Don't tell Harry."

"Harry's dead, but don't tell him that I told you that." Steve apparently didn't realize that there was absolutely no logic behind his statement whatsoever.

"What? Nobody tells me anything." Said Harry, who had also appeared.

"Wait! You're not dead either?"

"It's a family trait."

"Yeah." Said Norman. "Remember your aunt who faked her death? She told me it was because she wanted to get rid of her cat, but didn't want him to know that. Incidentally, that cat was also named Harry. When she told me her real reason, she said 'Don't tell Harry.' I thought she meant you, and Harry the cat was pretty upset."

Steve was unable to hear the story, as he had died from internal (and external) bleeding. That generally happens when you get a bunch of vibranium shoved into your stomach.

Thor-

Thor was flying using the power of Mjolnir. He was thinking of all the awful things he was going to do to Loki when the hammer suddenly started to fall.

'You are unworthy', he heard in his head. Unfortunately, the hammer landed on him. You can imagine the result.

Hawkeye-

Clint was riding in the back of a Quinjet as it approached the Helicarrier. He fingered his bow and then froze when he heard a click.

He paled. "Oh dear..."

One of his explosive arrows blew up, taking the jet with it.

Black Widow-

Natasha was tied to a chair, being interrogated. Well, apparently. She was actually the one doing the interrogating. She then jumped up and knocked all of her captors out with her ninja-spy skills. Apparently, even ninja-spies can lose their balance because she did, falling to her death.

Nick Fury (I know he's not really an Avenger, I just want to kill him for some reason)-

Fury was watching the battle in New York from the safety of the Helicarrier, like the coward he is. Suddenly, a cloaked figure appeared. "Mwahahahahaha!" It cackled. And then it pushed him out the window.

"Defenestration!" Another figure yelled. She (you could tell by the voice) then pulled out two katanas, slicing the head off one agent and spilling the guts of another. "Decapitation! Evisceration!"

Maria Hill died from a grenade. Phil Coulson survived being stabbed, but was unfortunately too close to the hole left from the glass cage and got sucked out of the Helicarrier.

**Author's Note:**

> Steve's section begs a question that I have been wanting to have answered all week: Wouldn't his shield actually kill people? I mean, it's made of vibranium, one of the strongest metals ever. I'm assuming that they changed it a lot from the comics, since this is what Wikipedia says about vibranium:
> 
> "In the Marvel Comics Universe, vibranium is a rare metallic substance of extraterrestrial origin. It exists in two forms:
> 
> Wakandan variety:  
> Wakandan Vibranium is the most common variety, and is often referred to simply as "vibranium". It is a rare substance native only to the small African nation of Wakanda.
> 
> The Wakandan isotope possesses the ability to absorb all vibrations in the vicinity as well as kinetic energy directed at it. The energy absorbed is stored within the bonds between the molecules that make up the substance. As a result, the more energy vibranium absorbs the tougher it becomes. There are limits to the capacity of the energy that can be stored, and although the exact limitations are not yet known, there have been a few examples. One such instance was when the oil conglomerate Roxxon discovered that a small island in the South Atlantic had a foundation composed of vibranium. Due to this, Roxxon found it necessary to destroy the island and so blew it up with bombs. Unable to absorb the force of the explosions, the vibranium was destroyed, but it did succeed in entirely absorbing the sound made by the explosion, preventing damage to the surrounding area.
> 
> This variety of vibranium is a powerful mutagen. Vibranium exposure led to the mutation of many Wakandan natives. Its radiation has also permeated much of Wakanda's flora and fauna, including the Heart-Shaped Herb eaten by members of the Black Panther Cult and the flesh of the White Gorilla eaten by the members of the White Gorilla Cult. Both give superhuman abilities to whoever eats them.
> 
> It is also believed to dramatically enhance mystical energies.
> 
> Antarctic variety:  
> Better known as Anti-Metal, this isotope is native to the Savage Land. This variation produces vibrations of a specific wavelength that break down the molecular bonds in other metals, causing them toliquefy. If huge quantities of anti-metal are gathered together, the vibrations increase exponentially. Anti-Metal is able to become an artificial and unstable form of the Wakandan variety of vibranium through certain particle bombardments on it."


End file.
